Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Dude, the light bulb was cooler before it changed.
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My boss is like a diaper.
He's always on my ass, and half of the time, full of shit.
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What does CPA stand for?
Can't Pass Again.
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A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" the man says.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg."
The water in Rio is so bad that even Usain Bolt had the "runs" in his last race!
This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench in front of a large pond.
On the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff.
The wife turns to hubby and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."
Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."
Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."
Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?"
Wife says, "Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."
Hubby replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.
Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.
The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"
The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."
The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries!
Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down."
Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there."
To which the wife replies, "No, it's not... look, you forgot the pickles!"
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Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
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So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?".
The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...