Once upon a time, Chuck Norris moved a Mack truck out of his way. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Two deer hunters met in the woods. The first one said to the other, "Boy am I glad to see you, I've been lost for hours." The second deer hunter said, "That's nothing, I've been lost for a week."
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Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed.
"Doctor I feel like biscuits!" "What, you mean those square ones?" "Yes!" "The ones you put butter on?" "Yes!" "Well, that means you’re crackers!"
Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him. Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case. ‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’ ‘Why?’ asks the judge. ‘He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested?’ Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’
A man runs over a cat. The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner. He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers. The man says, ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve just run over your cat. Can I replace it?’ ‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady. ‘How are you at catching mice?’
Two goldfish are in a tank. One said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
How did that bullfight come out? Oh, it was a toss-up.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."