Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
Chuck Norris can tie your hands behind your back with both hands tied behind his back.
A man was beaten up by robbers on the road. He lay on the side of the road, half dead.
A humanist came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.
A Samaritan came by and also crossed to the other side.
Finally, a modern Christian came along, looked at the man and said: "Whoever did this to you needs help."
Chuck Norris can eat the inside of an orange without peeling it.
Chuck Norris can make a rock grow.
Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.
Chuck Norris doesn't have an attitude.
He has a personality you can't handle.
Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
A: What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!