Best jokes ever

Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, doctor, food
This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York. The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots. The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says: Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: airplane, life
There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: death, disgusting, food
Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist? A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: life
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she put the operator on speed dial.
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: Yo mama
Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking." Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, life
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven. There is a brouhaha. Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem. Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls. It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly. The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him. "Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: death, god, heaven, life
What Not to Say to a Policeman: I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving. Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband. The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over? I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me. If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude. It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal. That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum? If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: cop
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: age, business, insulting
Yo mamma is so fat when she went to the movie theater people said "Look at king Kong in 3D."
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has 63.66 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: fat, insulting, Yo mama
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