When Chuck Norris goes through airport security he makes them take their shoes off.
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Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Your mama is so stupid she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.
A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire!"
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Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
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The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out
a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny.
I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
A student called into school as his father in the hopes of getting out of school that day.
“My son had the flu and can’t make it to school today,” he said.
“Who is this speaking,” said the secretary.
"This is my father!”
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing!
I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right.
Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left.
Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
Dad says to his son, "Don't mast*rbate to much because you will go blind."
Son say, "I'm over here?"