Install the Blue Screen of Death screen-saver on someone's computer.
Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff.
What is the ideal cockpit crew? A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
Recently, I've been using the Bible for support. I've got a wobbly coffee table.
Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets? A: She went looking for the three guys.
Q: What did dick say to rubber? A: "Cover me I'm going in."
Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
Life is like a box of chocolates: A lot of people can't stand the dark ones.