Are you a candle?
Because I want to blow you.
Chuck Norris never has a deja vu.
No scene would be that stupid to appear in front of the man twice.
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Chuck Norris once climbed Mt Everest by accident.
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My girlfriend always calls me a pedophile, and all I can think is "Wow that is a big word for a nine year old."
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute."
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?"
Me: "Mom."
Q: Wanna know the biggest lie my dad ever told me?
A: I'll be back.
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Chuck Norris is the reason Pluto is no longer a planet.
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Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"