An elephant goes to a camel and says why have you got a pair of tits on your back, the camel then replies that's a funny question coming from someone with a dick on their face.
What does an octopus wear on a cold day? A coat of arms.
A real man would never cry in public unless: He watched a movie in which a heroic dog dies to save his master. Or if Heidi klum unbuckled her shirt. Or if he accidentally dropped crates full of beer.
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
When Chuck Norris burns calories, he uses a flamethrower.
Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? A: Because they can't stop saving their work.
Q: How many Apple Iphone 6 early adopters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!
Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah.
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
Q: Why did the blonde girl stare at the orange juice box? A: The orange juice box says, "concentrate."