Once upon a time, Chuck Norris moved a Mack truck out of his way.
We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Vote:
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?
Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Q: How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
A: One, any more and it would be too mainstream.
Chuck Norris sits at the stand-up.
Vote:
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I?d like the best beer in the world, give me ?
The King of Beers,? a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why arent you drinking a Molsons?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I."
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say.
"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them.
Yo momma’s so ugly, her pillows cry at night.
Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’
Boy: ‘I’m not.
I’m just holding it.
It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’