When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right.
As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.
A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife.
See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation!
So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man?
No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers.
‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says.
‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000.
And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’
The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom.
‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’
Chuck Norris once won a game of Space Invaders without shooting.
Why did the blonde go to KFC?
She heard she could get a pair of breasts for $1.99.
Chuck Norris doesn't die...he just sleep in the ground for a little bit.
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast."
And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was."
But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?"
The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."
As horses say to one another.
Any friend of yours is a palomino!
Mortal Kombat was originally called 'Ways Chuck Norris Can Kill You'.
Chuck Norris can stick his hand inside a rabbit's mouth and pull out a HAT!