Best jokes ever

Scientists called it a big bang, Chuck Norris called it an alarm clock.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.

Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? A: An alarm cluck!

I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

The man comes home drunken but he goes to the piggery instead of the house. He lies down, he takes a look at the pig, caresses it and says: "Oh, it's you, darling, naked again?"

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Chuck Norris keeps a list of all his victims, it's called the phone book.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ? A: Turkey.

Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball? You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!