People say that time heals all wounds. They obviously never got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris
Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!
When you have a question you check with Google. When Google has a question they check with Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris has a question everybody better run!
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie." Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"
Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car? A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.
We have so many nationalities. It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.
What goes: "Click-is that it? Click-is that it? Click-is that it?" A blind person with a rubix cube.
One day, a team of blondes and a brunette team took part in a fishing contest. They went to the Frozen Lake and installed from a two different perspectives. The brunettes were making fish one after another, but the blondes were unlucky. The blonde team gathered around in a circle and start a discussion about the problem and wanted to find an answer for it. After two hours they decided to send someone to spy on the other team, so they can find out what the brunettes were doing differently. The blonde spy goes and hides behind the bushes. After a while, breathless arrives at her team and screams with joy: "I’ve found it! I’ve found it! We gonna rip them off!" All the blondes, full of wonder asked her: "Spit it out, what do the brunettes do differently?" "Whole! They’re opening a whole in the ice!"
Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken... and the rest are handicapped.
Q: Whats the difference between Niagara and Viagra? A: Niagara Falls.