Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?
You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.
Despite popular belief, there is no such thing as a tornado.
Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.
Vote:
A blonde decides to join the military thinking she can meet a few guys.
What is wrong with this joke?
1. This isn't a joke
2. The blonde is thinking
Q: Whats the difference between a box full of dead babies and a cadillac?
A: I don't have a cadillac in my garage.
Vote:
Q: What is a French cat's favorite dessert?
A: Chocolate mousse.
Two gays were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gay asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
Vote:
"Sorry sir, are these plastic flowers?"
"As natural!"
"What? They are natural?"
"No, plastic!"
"But, for Christ Sake, sir! Are they natural or plastic?"
"Natural plastic!"
What did the potato chip say to the battery?
If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.