Patrick left the pub after having too much to drink.
He was taking the underground home.
As he started to get on the escalator, he read the sign: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator.’
He shouted, ‘Now where I am to find a dog after midnight?’
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer.
He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"
The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house.
Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.
One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?
I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.
What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
A young guy walks into a bar.
An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, "What's in the box?"
The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."
The young guy looks around.
"Can I try it?"
The older guy nods.
The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.
"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum.
The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
"Where the hell have you been?
What's in the box?" she demands.
"South American Blow Job Toad."
"So?" asks the wife.
"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."
Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest..
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Lawyer: ‘Let me give you my honest opinion.’
Client: ‘No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.’
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she brought on world hunger.