A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can,
"This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
Chuck Norris can arrive anywhere without actually leaving.
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Q:What's the hardest thing about learning to play tennis?
A:Telling your parents that your gay!
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.
People believe in God. God believe in Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris doesn't just bring home the bacon, he brings home the whole pig.
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A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. "Are you crazy," hollered the coach, "we don’t give tryouts to turkeys."
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
"That was amazing," exclaimed the coach.
"I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?"
"Don’t worry about money," said the turkey, "let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?"
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Ozzy Osbourne once snorted a line of ants.
Chuck Norris once snorted a line of bricks.
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Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup."
Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."