Why did god make beer? So the Irish would not take over the world.
A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over. As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing. ''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman? The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.
Chuck Norris' jokes don't have punchlines. They have footprints.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.
Why was the lion-tamer fined? He parked on a yellow lion.
Some people have alter egos. Chuck Norris has no such thing.
Chuck Norris can tell you what a lethal injection feels like
Doctor to patient: "Why are you nervous?" Patient: "Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation." Doctor: "But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation."
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought a ribbed condom was soul food.