The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Yo momma is so fat, that the last time she farted, a director came up with the movie "Twister".
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."
Death was created after Chuck Norris was born.
What has ten letters and starts with gas? An automobile.
Water can drown if Chuck Norris stays underwater for too long.
Chuck Norris once planted a box of Cheerios in his yard, the result was a donut tree.
Chuck Norris once gave a cop a ticket for speeding.