A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender. "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!" "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Two blonde football fans are walking along the road when one of them picks up a mirror. He looks in it and says, 'Hey, I know that person!' The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do, you idiot, it's me'.
There was once a ship that wouldn't let chuck norris on board. It is now known as titanic
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
What's the difference between a rooster and your mom? A rooster says cockadoodledoo, Your mom says anycockledoo.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila
Yo mama is so fat that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to heaven.
Q: Why did the elephant paint himself diffrent colours? A: So he could hide in the crayon box!
Yo momma’s so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away.