Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone.
His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
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I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she puts insurance on her food.
Q: What happens when you spin an asian man on a swivel chair?
A: He gets disoriented!
When someone is in trouble it's a job for Superman, when Superman is in trouble it's a job for Chuck Norris.
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Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
Q: What is long and black?
A: An unemployment line
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Chuck Norris is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
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I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.