A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, she not only got hit with the ugly stick, she must have got lost in an ugly forest.
A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked by one and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair" Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered, "It's natural." The guy walked by the second girl and asked, "How'd you get such pretty brown hair?" Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural." Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get such cool green hair?" Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said, "It's natural."
Q: What compliment do you NOT want from a midget? A: Wow! Your hair smells good!
When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition. This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? Rhesus Pieces.
How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris? Don't know...its never been done.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".