An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Chuck Norris only weakness, is weakness, of course!
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat? To the calf-ateria.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Q. Why are fish so smart? Q. Why are fish so smart A. Because they swim in schools!
One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!” The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”
Chuck Norris is the most feared predator on the planet. That's why sharks have a Chuck Norris week.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Your mama's so stupid she tripped over a line on a basketball court.