Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
Squidnappers.
Q: Which side of a deer has the most meat?
A: The inside.
What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?
A lot of bites.
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hi, honey."
Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."
Vote:
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Vote:
Chuck Norris once walked in the opposite direction in the Running of the Bulls.
The bulls turned around and ran for their lives.
Vote:
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around.
After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.
The further he walked, the more rats followed.
He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.
So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor.
"You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man.
"You have any brass lawyers?"
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the BET was on.
They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.”
Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a 22 rifle.”
He was right!
The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.
When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.”
Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a 308.”
He was right again!
This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”
His wife replied angrily, “From me!”
“What did I do?” he asked.
She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!’”
A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children,
"Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep."
"Why to the waist", the children interested.
"Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you."
The mother returned and her children met her at the door,
"Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep."
"Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?"
"Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."