What's green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonorrhea.
Michael: "What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?" Matthew: "I don't know. What?" Michael: "Candy corneas."
How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches.
Q: Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game? A: There was a face-off in the corner.
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? Rhesus Pieces.
A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked by one and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair" Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered, "It's natural." The guy walked by the second girl and asked, "How'd you get such pretty brown hair?" Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural." Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get such cool green hair?" Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said, "It's natural."
Q: How do you recycle a condom? A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.
A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."
Q: What compliment do you NOT want from a midget? A: Wow! Your hair smells good!
What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs.