Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Chuck Norris once played himself in Russian Roulette, and he won. No Questions asked.
"What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny. "Let's play schools," said Jenny. "OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be absent."
Whenever Chuck Norris rolls a 6 sided dice, he always rolls a 7.
Chuck Norris can play Pokemon Go on his landline.
Notice, there are no Chuck Norris video games. They would be way too easy.
One day little Johnny was playing on his push car that u sit on and push with your feet. His looked like a bus, and as such he was the bus driver. Little Johnny would drive a little, stop, and say "all you mother fuckers that want to get on, get on. And all you mother fuckers that want to get off, get off." His mother was in the kitchen and thought surely I didn't hear him correctly. But then once again, little Johnny stopped and said "all you mother fuckers that want to get on, get on. And all you mother fuckers that want t o get off, get off." So him mom came running out and told her young son he was to go to his room 'till he learned to play right. About 20 minutes later Johnny came out to play. Be reassured his mom he learned his lesson. So, back on his bus, he began driving around again. He stopped and said "all you nice people that want to get off, get off. And all you nice people that want to get on, get on. And all you mother fuckers that want to know why I'm late, ask the bitch in the kitchen.
Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah.
Someone just knocked on the door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said "Fuck that, with my luck I'd probably win one."
A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer." Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better." The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."