How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
From tomorrow you are free!
The lawyer informs his client.
Yes, I’m so happy, I have nothing to say, grumbled the prisoner.
I torment myself for 5 years to make a rope ladder, 3 years to rasp the cage bars and you come now with the amnesty ordinance, exactly now when I wanted to break free...
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
He was a very keen lawyer, he even named his daughter ‘Sue’.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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