Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.? A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
What’s black and tan and looks great on a lawyer? A Dobermann pinscher.
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
What’s the difference between a shame and a pity? If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity. If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.
From tomorrow you are free! The lawyer informs his client. Yes, I’m so happy, I have nothing to say, grumbled the prisoner. I torment myself for 5 years to make a rope ladder, 3 years to rasp the cage bars and you come now with the amnesty ordinance, exactly now when I wanted to break free...
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry." "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's." "THAT'S when I hit him!"