How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn.
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!