Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall? A: Depends on how deep you stack them.
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry." "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's." "THAT'S when I hit him!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? Answer: His lips begin to move.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.