The best lawyer jokes

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn.
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How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall? A: Depends on how deep you stack them.
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A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry." "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's." "THAT'S when I hit him!"
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
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What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
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Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? Answer: His lips begin to move.
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