How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water!
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the donation seeker mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The person coming for donation began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The person who came asking for donation felt completely humiliated and said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"