How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’
Discussion between two future lawyers: I don’t understand why they rejected me! I told them that I want to be a lawyer because I respect the law, that I’d give my life for the Constitution and that I want justice for my clients. What did you tell them? I told them that I want to be a lawyer because of my hands! You’re hands? What do you mean? Well, I looked in my hands and there were no money...
Q: What do you get when you cross a Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.