Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer. During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions. "Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry." "I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge. "Wait, there's more... When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's." "THAT'S when I hit him!"
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water!
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.