What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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How is an earnest lawyer called?
An oxymoron.
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water!
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor.
‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks.
‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
The town’s local council remarks that the best lawyer in town never made a donation to charity tendency.
To convince him, the mayor calls him in his office:
Sir, I remarked that you’re revenue reached a number of $600.000.
With all these, you never made a donation to the charity...
If you looked into my files, did you also remark that my mother is sick, and the medicaments she needs exceed her funds?
No... answers mayor.
In second place, my brother, war veteran, is condemned in a wheelchair and he’s blind.
The mayor started apologizing, but was interrupted:
And more, my sister died into a car accident and left tree children orphans.
Stunned, the mayor says:
I didn’t know, please accept my apologies...
But the lawyer continues:
I don’t see why I should give you any money, if I don’t ever give them money...
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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