What’s black and tan and looks great on a lawyer?
A Dobermann pinscher.
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce.
One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side.
I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’
Lawyer: ‘Absolutely.
What’s the other question?’
What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter.
A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
How is an earnest lawyer called?
An oxymoron.
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water!
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.