A true gentleman holds the door for his woman... then smacks her ass as she walks by.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dirty politician with a filthy womanizer? A: Chelsea.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
What is a man's definition of safe sex? A padded headboard.
What is a man's idea of helping with housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
A man walked into the doctor's office and said: "Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from his stomach replies: "No you haven't."
An exhausted hunter out in the woods stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: "Am I glad to see you, I've been lost for three days." Hunter 2: "Don't get too excited, friend, I've been lost for three weeks."
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.