What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
What is a man's definition of safe sex? A padded headboard.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Adam goes to God and says, "I would like a mate to please me and make living joyful. She should be beautiful and perfect in every way. God says, "I can do that, but it will cost you a testicle, a kidney, and one eye." To which Adam replied, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
2 cannibals having dinner. 1st says to 2nd, "Your wife makes a lovely stew." 2nd answers, "Yes but I will miss her."
Why do men want to vote for a female President? Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.