There are 5 birds in a tree.
A hunter shoots 2 of them dead.
How many birds are left?
2 birds.
The other 3 fly away!
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try oral sex.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart.
I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement.
Simply devastated.
Won’t you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill.
I can never marry another woman quite like you.
I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning?
I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Because there are blonde men too!