What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Stupid? He wanted to be a farmer. So he studied pharmacy.
If women knew what men were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping them.
Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. "Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store salesman." "OK," says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."
General Peter Pollock, the Navy Chief was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. General Pollock arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and Pollock asks: "So how are your men Marshall?" "Very well trained, Peter." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls an under-trainee and says: "James! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!" "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As James ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered Pollock and said: "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.