How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you
have it, you don't know what to do with it.
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!!
How is a man like a microwave oven?
Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart.
I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement.
Simply devastated.
Won’t you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill.
I can never marry another woman quite like you.
I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning?
I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"
A second man walks into the same bar.
You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.
"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor.
I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?"
"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative.
Please take off your clothes."
The man strips down.
The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.
"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"
"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."