Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Men come in three sizes:
Small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married John.