What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her feet.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes.
They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."
What did the elephant say to the nude man?
‘It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?’
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.
The husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sex, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."
The wife is back on the warpath again.
I suggested that we make a little sex tape ...
she was up for it ...
until I suggested holding auditions.
I just don’t understand why she is so mad!
A mother without any pant was playing with her son.
The boy pointing to her mother's pussy asked: "Mammy, what is that dark wooly between your feet?
Mother: "My sweet that is a brush."
Son: "Where is it's bundle?"
Mother: "In your daddy's pant."
Vote:
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my privates are too small." he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused.
"Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.”
The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”