Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class.
The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it.
So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg." 
Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain.
She asks the doctor what he has on sale.
"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."
Surprised she asks why the price difference?
"Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"
Chuck Norris took a rocket science class but quit becaus it was too easy.
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How do barmen surf the web?
On the Gin-ternet.
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J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day?
A: TWERKY!
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If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.
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Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?
A: Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
Chuck Norris has only one friend on Facebook: Pain.
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After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
"Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."