Chuck Norris was banned from going to "housewarming" parties because he kept burning them down.
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Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump.
"Well, go in the bushes."
"What should I use to wipe my ass?"
"Use a dollar bill."
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with s**t all over his hands.
"What happened?" asks his friend.
"I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters."
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There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it.
After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned.
The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table.
She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move.
The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world.
The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!"
Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
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Chuck Norris doesn't cry.
His eyes sweat.
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A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor said: "It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age."
Patient: "The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?"
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Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
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A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired."
Everyone laughed.
The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone.
He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What?
Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Chad: Why do magicians do so well in school?
Josh: I don’t know. Why?
Chad: They’re good at trick questions.