I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total bollocks" I replied.
By text, from across the road.
Vote:
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: To get to the bottom...
Q: What is a sheep's favorite sport?
A: Baaasket baaall!
It's call a Chuck Steak because Chuck just kicked that cow's butt.
Vote:
Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?
A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!
Vote:
Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married?
A: Because they part for every little shit.
Vote:
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman.
The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied,
"I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off."
The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told.
While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground.
As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor.
The hair dresser was very confused.
She picked up the head phones and listened.
This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Yo Mamma so fat I took a picture of her last month, and it's still printing.
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.