Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?
Because he had a chip on his shoulder.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t, they’re born that way!
He’s donating his body to science.
And he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
They said the baby looked like me.
Until they turned him the right way up.
Q: What is red and black?
A: A sunburnt zebra.
Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.
One blonde says, "Look over there!"
They see another blonde in scuba gear acting like she's swimming through the wheat.
The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us blondes a bad name."
The other blonde says, "Yeah! And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?"
"A Budweiser in each hand!"