Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
We call my father-in-law the exorcist.
Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker.
The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"
He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one.
Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!"
Concerned, his partner turns to him
"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"
Yo momma’s so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
In the High Court:
Do you know what you get for false testimony?
Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...
A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, ‘That’s my nextdoor neighbour. He’s an alcoholic!’
One of her friends asks, ‘How do you know that?’
The woman replies, ‘Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'
The boss speaking with the secretary:
Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long?
My lawyer.
Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.