Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa.
Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears. The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much." The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house." The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two." The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man." The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head? Steer phones.
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games? A: Because there's not a fan in the place.
Where do Danish cows come from? Cowpenhagenf.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb? None, Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.