What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain? (A drizzly bear!)
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!)
Why do milking stools only have three legs? 'Cause the cow's got the udder!
How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most niggers? He promised to create jobs for them if elected.
Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’ Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’ Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue. Forget it.’