My wife hates the sight of me when I’m drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I’m sober.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Two blonds were driving to Disneyland. The sing said: Disneyland Left. So they started crying and headed home.
A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him. "How do I do that?" he asked. "Carefully," replied the vet.
Yo' Mama is so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.
YO momma is so old, I slit her throat and dust came out!
Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar? A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed a two-hour special of "Lost."
Yo' Mama is so poor, her tv only has two channels: on and not working.