Best jokes ever

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
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Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
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More jokes about: men
Where does an Irish family go on holiday? A different bar.
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When is a door sweet and tasty? When its jammed!
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What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
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A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
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More jokes about: alcohol
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
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The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin. The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’ A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’
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"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy." Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
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Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in? A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
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More jokes about: blonde