Q. Why is it okay for dumb blonde's to catch cold?
A. They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A baby hedgehog lost itself, in the garden.
Sad, he strolls from here to there, whereupon he bumps in a cactus and full of hope he says:
Mama, is that you?
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer.
He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
A gorilla walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.
The bartender gives him a mug and says, "that'll be five bucks."
As the gorilla reaches for his pocket, the bartender adds, "you know, we don't usually get many gorilla customers in here."
The gorilla shrugged and replies, "at five bucks a beer, it's no wonder . . ."
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention.
It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk.
"What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid!
Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it.
I've got something else though.
It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude.
You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers.
Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call.
I need my garden plowed."
Yo momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.