Boy: you left this at my house last night
Girl: that aint mine
Boy : sorry number 32 I thought you were someone else
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A. Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy"
Men are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
Q. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A. Frosted Flakes.
"Agent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk.
Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That’s a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.
"So what’s your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want, he cant hear you.
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.