A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except talent, money, and looks.
Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.
She only drinks to forget she drinks.
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A.A dog is always happy to see you B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.
The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"