A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!!
I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Those poor cops, they put themselves in the line of fire to protect and serve us – yet we make jokes about them.
Maybe if so many fat police officers weren’t sitting in a Dunkin Doughnuts writing speeding tickets they’d be left alone.
What did the idiot call his pet zebra?
Spot!
A dazzling woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, No”, he replies.
Can you get him for me I need to speak to him.
She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
Is there anything I can do?
“Yes, there is”.
I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to screw it in and the other to wear skinny jeans.
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Chuck Norris gave Black Ops a thumbs up and people at Microsoft a roundhouse kick in the face. Suck it Microsoft.
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For breakfast Chuck Norris enjoys toast and jellyfish.
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How do you know which one is your boss from a crowd of 500 people?
You say: “My boss is a stupidest asshole!”
Q:What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A:Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears and Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
Jesus is the son of God.
God is the son of Chuck Norris.
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