How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart? A: "Cheap, cheap!"
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.” Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” “Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”
How do you fit 54 Jews in a car? 2 in the front 2 in the back and 50 in the ashtray.
Why do blondes clean their hair in the sink? Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.
The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening. One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?' The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.' The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?' The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'. All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said, "Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.