Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
He’s such an alcoholic, when pink elephants get drunk, they see him.
Think nobody knows you’re alive?
Try missing a payment.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk goes to work.
I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away.
Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor.
Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.
Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.
A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink.
His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’