Q: How do u know a black person has been in your house?
A: Everything has gone.
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If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.
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A tourist was drowning in the sea:
Help! Help! He screams.
Very calm the fisherman says:
Press F1 already and stop screaming.
You’re scaring the fishes away.
"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested.
"Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???"
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer.
"I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."
A family walks into a talent agency.
It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog.
The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act.
You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
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What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.
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I'm thinking about opening a summer camp for jewish kids with adhd and dyslexia, I'm gonna call it Concentration camp.
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Q: What do you call a hairy black?
A: A monkey.
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How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.
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Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!