Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.
Vote:
A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store. He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.
The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.
"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."
"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."
"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."
Vote:
Sorry, I'm late.
I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand.
The police ask, "is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you kill her with that golf club?"
"Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club.
"How many times did you hit her?"
The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."
Q: What did the farmer say when he is driving down the road on a steep hill and his right front wheel falls off?
A: "You picked a poor time to leave me loose wheel."
Vote:
We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.
A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship.
His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying "Big deal, the cards up his sleeve." or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!"
One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot.
For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas.
Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed ‘"kay, I give up… where the hell did you put the god damned boat!"
When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord.
He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.
Vote:
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.