Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
Husband: "Good night mother of my three sons."
Wife: "Same to you father of none."
A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland.
On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.
As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?"
An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."
The bean soup I'd ordered was mostly water.
I decided to tell the waitress.
"This soup is awful," I said.
"I know," she said. "I don't like bean soup either."
Vote:
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Yo mama's so dumb that when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends.
Vote:
There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
Vote:
What do you call 100 million black guy skydiving during the daytime?
Nightfall.
Vote:
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."