I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
I don't like the term "anal bleaching".
I prefer "changing your ringtone."
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Q: What has a key but no lock and has space but no room?
A: A computer?
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I'm so hipster, even I've never heard of my favorite band.
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
You mama is so fat, when she lies on the beach Greenpeace try to push her back in the water.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she puts in tampons with a bazooka.
Yo' Mama is so old, she went to an antique shop, and they kept her.
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow.
"Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
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