Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand.
The police ask, "is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you kill her with that golf club?"
"Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club.
"How many times did you hit her?"
The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."
Q: What did the farmer say when he is driving down the road on a steep hill and his right front wheel falls off?
A: "You picked a poor time to leave me loose wheel."
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We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.
New York was having a problem with too many pigeons in the city.
The mayor of New York placed an ad asking for help to get rid of the pigeons in the city.
A man responded to the ad.
The man said that he would get rid of all of the pigeons in New York for $1million.
He stated that he would stand behind his work and that he had very good credentials.
There was only one stipulation, any questions that were asked would cost the city an additional $1million if answered.
The mayor agreed to the terms.
The man went to his car and brought back a small box.
He opened the box and pulled out a pink pigeon.
He released the pigeon into the air.
Soon all of the pigeons in the city were following this pigeon.
The pink pigeon lead all of the city's pigeons over the ocean and one by one the pigeons began to tire and fell into the ocean and died. The pink pigeon returned to it's owner and was given a soft pat on the back and put back into the box.
The mayor was totally amazed by this.
The mayor complimented the man on his magnificent work.
The mayor told the man that he had a question for him.
The man reminded the mayor that any questions to be answered would cost an additional $1million.
The mayor said that his question was worth the cost.
The mayor asked the man if he happened to have any pink niggers.
When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord.
He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.
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A woman was suspicious in the loyalty of her husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous.
"My love, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?"
"I'd say you're a lesbian!"
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
You mama is so fat, when she lies on the beach Greenpeace try to push her back in the water.
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow.
"Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
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