Whats the difference in a seagull and a babys diaper?
A seagull flits across the shore and a baby shits across the floor.
Only once in history has Chuck Norris snapped his fingers, scientists call it The Big Bang.
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a bear while on a survival trek in Siberia.
That incident was known as the Tunguska event.
Ali Baba said "Open sesame" to open the secret entrance to the treasure, but little did he know that saying "Open Chuck Norris" opens all doors.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A teacher:"John, I hope I won't see you're cheating."
John:"Me either."
Chuck Norris can eat food while his mouth is closed.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth.
The next day he won the lottery.
Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.