Chuck Norris won a guitar battle with a violin.
If it were true that you are what you eat. Then you are about to be a roundhouse kick.
My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-
A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger! Beware of Dog’. He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor. ‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper. ‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’
Q. Why are fish so smart? Q. Why are fish so smart A. Because they swim in schools!
Where do cows like to ride on trains? In the cow-boose.
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist only takes the skin.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts!
Chuck Norris told Wiz Khalifa what it is.