If you want to drive your wife crazy don’t talk in your sleep, just smile.
What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside?
Coconut.... What were you thinking?
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same.
Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valen-tiny!
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Yo mama's so fat the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.
What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Q: Whats the difference between Niagara and Viagra?
A: Niagara Falls.
Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.
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Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.