If Chuck Norris misses a roundhouse-kick, you will still die.
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Chuck Norris has the iPhone 5...he got it back in '84.
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Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they can spend years at C!
A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked.
"Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.
One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.
His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".
He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."
His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"
He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
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My grandmother used to tell us a joke.
She'd say "Knock knock."
We'd say "Who's there?".
Then she'd say "I can't remember" and start to cry.
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You mama so old she made yoda look young.
I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.
Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra with 3 Playboy Playmates
A: Hugh Hefner.
A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."