Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue"
Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet?
A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
Vote:
"I spent the whole evening knotsurfing!"
"Don't you mean netsurfing?"
"No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!"
Vote:
It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
"If it was put there without my knowledge," I asked, "how would I know?"
The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. "That's why we ask."
Vote:
Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.
Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches Long?
A: Because if it will 12 inches then it will a foot.
Vote:
Republicans only seem to care about people's health when they haven't been born yet!
Vote:
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops."
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...
On a broomstick.
We're flexible like that.
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"?
No.
Me neither.