Yo mama's so fat when people look at her they instantly got cancer and type two diabetes
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A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What’s the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?"
"Alzheimer, granny!"
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Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead?
A: Depth perception.
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How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
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Q: Whats the difference between a black guy and a pothole?
A: You swerve around the pothole.
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A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy.
"I cheated you.
The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said the second guy.
"I saw the five o'clock news too.
I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife.” said the man.
What’s the difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde.
Their all at the NASA space center.
The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon".
The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars".
He says she can go next week. The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun".
The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says, "Well then I'll go at night."