Chuck Norris was supposed to make a cameo appearence in "Full House" but he was let off because he wanted to rename the show "Roundhouse."
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?"
Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper."
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Happy Father's Day to the only person on the planet still willing to employ me.
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Q: What does a cooked chicken and a stoner who is afraid of everything have in common?
A: They are both baked chickens.
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
Yo mamma is so fat that she's a call of duty map!
Yo momma so skinny she looks like a mic stand.
Chuck Norris wins Clue in one guess.
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Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.